


you can smile again

by meredy



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: (more like au's lmao), Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Reincarnation AU, will killua and gon ever be happy?? well u see
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-13
Updated: 2014-10-13
Packaged: 2018-02-20 23:14:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2446637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meredy/pseuds/meredy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He won’t be without Gon; not now, not ever.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you can smile again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [songs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/songs/gifts).



> okay,,, idk how to rlly explain it but like.. the way this is wrote is that killua and gon are both in whatever world and nine times out of ten, killua doesn’t really realize he remembers gon/knows /properly/ who gon is until it’s too late soooo  
> OH!! also when i wrote this i sorta like.. headcanonly aged them up? when i wrote this i imagined them being around 16-18 although u can have them as w/e age u want!! it doesn’t rlly make a difference so  
> i also want to apologize if anyone comes off as out of character in any sort of way, since it’s all pretty much an au i guess it doesn’t matter as much but still?? i’m only up to ep 80 of the hxh 2011 anime and well. lmao this happened  
> anyway uh.. just a heads up that there's implied/referenced/mentions of suicide, drowning and just.. character death really!!  
> i didn't rlly know what archive warnings to use for this so, if there's any that u think i should add, please give me a heads up!! ;;  
> anyway yeah, this probably isn't my best but i haven't been able to stop writing kirugon for the past few days and well... well.  
> (also someone needs to stop me from listening to the hxh op on repeat. please.)  
> there shouldn't be any typos because a few friends of mine proof read for me (cries... thank u) but if you spot any, please feel free to let me know!!  
> posted over at my [tumblr](http://gon.star.is/post/99861552839/you-can-smile-again) too!!

And when they die, it is not beautiful or heroic, but they die together and Killua is glad because after all, he can’t really imagine being without Gon, and as selfish as it is to be happy that they’ve died together, he’s still happy. He decides that it’s okay because he likes to believe that really, Gon can’t be without him either. He doesn’t really know if that’s exactly the case and currently, he obviously can’t ask—it’s not like he’d be able to anyway, regardless of whether they were still alive or not—but he’d like to know.  
He’s happy that one day, they’ll probably meet again.  
(Because after all, what is a shadow without it’s light?)

* * *

Killua remembers Gon in every life time he lives, he spends every life time searching for Gon. He doesn’t know if Gon is the same but he kind of hopes so, he hopes that Gon remembers him, even if he only remembers him a little and he hopes that Gon wants to meet him again too. He hopes a lot of things about Gon really, he hopes that he’s still alive in the life time that Killua is currently in and he hopes that Gon hasn’t found anyone else he’d rather be with, as selfish as that is.   
He cares for Gon’s happiness, regardless of whether they’ve met in this life time or not, he always cares for Gon’s happiness because, Gon is Gon and he is Killua and that is how they have always been—probably how they’ll always be, too.  
(A shadow needs it’s light.)

* * *

The first time he meets Gon in a different life time, he feels confused—he knows it’s Gon, hell, he’d know Gon a million miles away, he’s _positive_ that it’s Gon, so where is the upbeat smile he’s all too used to? And the stupid green shorts? Where’s the adventure seeking boy he called his best friend in his past life?  Because as sure as he is that this is Gon; it isn’t Gon. The boy in front of him seems lifeless and that’s when he realizes—he is. Gon’s dead. He’d been too slow in this life time.  
He doesn’t really know why Gon is dead but Gon _is_ and he decides that if he has to chase Gon from life time to life time, if he has to try and catch Gon, he will. He’d do anything for Gon.  
(There’s an announcement that night, saying that two teenage boys died, one from suicide and one from unknown causes.  
They list them as a shadow and a light.)

* * *

They meet again in happier life time, it’s a regular one—there’s nothing special about it, there’s not magic or anything like that really, when he comes into this life time, he has a normal family and as happy as he is to for once, have a normal family, he hasn’t found Gon yet so he can’t be truly happy.  
He spends longer in this life time, probably somewhere around two months before he finds Gon and again, he kind of wishes he hadn’t.  
He finds Gon on the streets with a bloody lip, bruised knuckles and bruises all over his arms and face.  
He wanted to find Gon no matter what but not like this.  
He tries to calm down, he hasn’t even approached Gon yet and his fists are already shaking with rage, he wants to beat up—kill—whoever did this to Gon because Gon is Gon and he is Killua and the only thing he’s ever wanted to do is protect Gon. In their past life, he hadn’t needed to, Gon could quite easily protect himself, in fact, he’d probably have gotten mad if Killua had tried to protect him, tried to hurt someone for him, tried to do anything for him really, that was just how Gon was back then—but this is a different life and this is a different Gon but he is the same Killua, and he feels the rage that’s bubbling in his knuckles and he just wants to let it out—he wants to destroy whoever did this because Gon is Gon and Gon would never, _ever_ deserve this.  
Gon walks off after coughing up a small amount of blood and grimacing, Killua watches as Gon tries to smile but Killua frowns when he sees that Gon can’t.  
He lets Gon walk away and part of him hates himself for it—he knows Gon will die. He knows that this is just another life time where he loses Gon and another life time, where he’ll have to die too and chase Gon around in _another_ life time afterwards.  
He decides that it’s okay, he’d rather meet Gon in another life time anyway, he doesn’t want Gon to be in a life that’s filled with pain, he wants Gon to be happy and then, if he can make it to the life time where Gon is happy and not dead, not injured, anything, he decides that’s when he’ll introduce himself to Gon, that’s when he’ll ask Gon if he remembers him.  
(Gon gets hit by a car that night and dies instantly, nobody attends his funeral—he doesn’t have family or friends in this life time.  
Killua’s family just believe he’s gone missing—they don’t expect to find him dead next to a boy with spiky hair.)

* * *

Killua is growing a little too used to waking up in a new life, it’s not that it feels any different from waking up normally, actually, it feels normal but he knows it’s a different life time because every time he wakes up, there’s different people, there’s a different scenery and there’s a different pain in his chest.  
This time, it’s going to be him who dies first. He doesn’t know why, he doesn’t understand why. How is this going to work? How is he going to know when Gon dies? How is going to be able to save Gon? Protect Gon? He doesn’t know.  
He wakes up and he’s surrounded by people that he doesn’t know, people he’s never met but it reminds him of his original home— only worse, in this life, he hasn’t endured the training he had from his past, he hasn’t got the power or strength from his past.  
When he looks up, there’s a gun pointed square at his face, a man with an evil smirk and all he hears is someone yelling, all he sees is someone diving in front of him, all he sees is blood. Someone’s taken the bullet for him and he looks down and realizes it’s _Gon.  
_ He doesn’t have much time to realize anything because within seconds, he’s been shot too.  
They lay there lifeless, both grasping on by a thread.  
Gon coughs and opens his eyes slowly. “Sorry, Killua.”  
Killua’s eyes widen and he coughs too. “I’ll save you soon, Gon.”  
(They’re the first words they get to say to each other in awhile—but they’re also the last of this life time.  
 _“Killed the shadow and the light.”_ Killua hears before he dies.)

* * *

Killua finds Gon easily in his next life time, it’s so casual that Killua almost doesn’t believe it’s really happening.  
They spend a little over two months together and Killua is happy to find out that Gon remembers him, remembers them, remembers their life times together. It makes his heart beat a little faster than he’d like to admit.  
Things seem to be going well—hell, things seem to be going great, they’d even met up with Kurapika and Leorio who both remember their lives together, too.  
Things are fine until a month after Gon tells Killua he remembers.  
The two of them had been sharing an apartment together for a little over two months now and really, Killua enjoyed it more than he could voice—he enjoyed coming home to Gon, he enjoyed saying “I’m home,” and getting an upbeat “Welcome home!” back from the boy with the wide eyes.  
He didn’t enjoy coming home that day though.  
It seems normal, nothing seems off balance at all, Gon had seemed fine that morning.  
He enters the apartment like usual, sliding off his shoes before announcing his usual “I’m home!” and waiting for a response—this time he doesn’t get one.  
 _Weird._ He thinks for a split second, Gon usually at least left him a note or text if he was going out—it’s fine, he tries to reassure himself, Gon was probably just in a rush or forgot, that’s so like Gon.  
He laughs to himself until he steps into _their_ bedroom and within seconds, his laughter stops because he was too late _again_ and Gon is laying there lifeless _again.  
_ He wants to cry, he wants to punch something, he wants to scream at the top of his lungs because he thought that this was _it,_ he thought that this was the life time that was good for Gon—that was good for them.  
He picks up the piece of paper that lays mere centimeters away from Gon and that’s when he really feels like crying. Gon had never had good handwriting in the first place, it had always been rushed and messy but this is _different_ —he can barely even read the writing and he’s not sure if that’s because of how much Gon must of been shaking when he wrote this or because of how his eyes feel like they’re burning.

 _I’m sorry, Killua.  
_ _This life time wasn’t right either.  
_ _It’s selfish, I know. This was the best life time we’ve had together so far, huh?  
_ _A lot happened before you came here.  
_ _I’m sorry.  
_ _I’ll see you soon.  
_ _I hope.  
_ Killua loses it within that moment—how could he be so fucking s _tupid_? How could he miss the hints? How could he not see that this life time wasn’t right? How could he be so careless?  
(Killua writes underneath Gon’s messy handwriting with his own.  
 _I’m sorry, Gon.  
_ _I’m sorry, we’ll meet again soon.  
_ _I’m sorry. I was careless.  
_ _I can’t be without you, Gon.  
_ _You are light and it is blinding in the best way possible.  
_ _I’ll meet you soon, Gon._ )

* * *

This is it, Killua thinks, this _has_ to be it. They’ve been normal for over four months now—a new record—so this has to be it. They’re living normally, there’s nothing remotely special about this life time, in fact, it’s quite boring and plain—Gon likes it a little more than he lets on.  
“Hey, are you coming, Killua?” Gon asks, staring up at the white haired boy that seems to be in a daze in front of him.  
“Oh, yeah.” He replies quickly, the words barely even sounding like actual _words_ but he follows Gon out of the door and to their car and quickly gets into the passenger seat.  
He watches as Gon exhales a little heavier than usual.  
“You okay, Gon?”  
“I’m fine.” And the words sound rushed as soon as they fall out of Gon’s mouth and Killua _knows_ in that moment.  
This isn’t the right life time, either.  
Gon is silent for a little longer as they drive away from the apartment they share—shared, Killua’s mind supplies—and Killua understands. They had been hunted down in this time line too.  
“I’m sorry.” Gon speaks after a few moments. “I’ve seen how this ends before but I’m still letting it happen.” Gon inhales and exhales a few times. “It’s better than the other option. I’m sorry, Killua.”  
“Don’t be, it’s fine, stupid.” Killua decides that he’d rather die besides Gon than without Gon.  
“I’ll see you soon?” Gon asks, as he turns around and looks at Killua.  
“Of course.” Killua supplies with a small grin.  
“I’ll see you soon.” It’s the last thing Gon says and it’s the last thing Killua hears.  
(The last thing Killua sees hurts him the most though—it’s the smile that Gon gives him—  
—it hurts because it doesn’t quite reach Gon’s eyes. It’s not the smile he’d grown all too used to. It’s not the Gon he had known.) 

* * *

Killua wakes up in a hospital bed this time and briefly wonders if he hadn’t died the previous time—but he knows he has because Gon isn’t in the hospital bed next to him.  
He wonders what he’s doing here, how he’s here, why he’s here and most of all, he wonders where Gon is.  
He wonders if, again, Gon is still alive and if he is, he wonders where on earth Gon could possibly be.  
His doctor comes in a few minutes later and Killua almost chokes on his words because he doesn’t remember, he doesn’t remember, he doesn’t remember, _he doesn’t fucking remember._

“You’re awake,” The man in front of him states, looking him up and down. “Uh..” He stops for a minute and flicks through the paperwork in front of him. “Killua.”  
Killua takes a deep breath and really, he’s worried. He’s worried beyond belief because if Leorio doesn’t remember him then what if Kurapika doesn’t? What if _Gon_ doesn’t?  
“Yeah.” He says after a moment of silence, his voice feeling hoarse.  
“Do you remember what happened?” Leorio asks him, flicking the pen he’s supposed to be writing with.  
“No.” Killua answers simply—he wants to tell Leorio that he has no clue as to why he’s here and he’d rather that Leorio just cut to the chase and really, if this was their past life, he probably would have—but this is a different Leorio; one that probably won’t put up with his shit.  
“You tried to save your friend from drowning,” He tells him, watching the way Killua’s eyes widen just a little. “Uh..” Leorio flicks his pen up slightly. “Gon, I think?”  
Killua’s breath hitches in his throat.  
“Where is he? Is he okay?” Leorio’s eyes soften a little and Killua _knows._  
“I’m sorry but he died on the way here. He wanted to thank you though.”  
Killua gives up after that. He spends another week in hospital before visiting Gon’s grave.  
“I was too late again, huh?” He runs his hand through his hair as he sits in front of Gon’s grave.  
“I’m sorry.” He breathes out and after that, he can’t stop. He repeats it over and over and over until he physically can’t anymore. _I’m sorry. I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry Gon. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry._  
“I’m going to save you.” He announces to the stone in front of him. “I’m going to save you if it’s the last thing I do.” He exhales slowly and lets himself smile for the first time in months. “I know you’d tell me you could save yourself but just this once, let me save you, yeah?”  
He obviously doesn't expect a response but it still hurts when he doesn't receive one.   
(Nobody hears from Killua in weeks.  
Nobody expects to find him dead in the ocean Gon had drowned in.)

* * *

Killua wakes up again to a new place and within seconds, his eyes are stinging. He’s too late _again_ —because Gon is lifeless in front of him again.  
He’ll chase Gon until he finds a life time which is good for the both of them—good for Gon—he’ll chase Gon as much as he needs to. He’ll find Gon.  
He doesn’t understand this life time, he dies too soon, he dies within the first ten minutes of this life time and it’s just plain _weird_ but he knows that Gon is already dead so he ignores it. He won’t be without Gon; not now, not ever.

* * *

Killua opens his eyes to a world he is all too familiar with—their original one—but it’s different.  
As soon as he opens his eyes he knows it’s the same as their original one—he knows they’re the same as their original selves but the second he sees the blood on the floor, the second he _smells_ the blood he feels his chest hurt.  
The second he sees the blood on his hand, the blood on his _disgusting, disgusting_ hand he feels his chest hurt more.  
He’d killed Gon. _He_ had killed _Gon.  
_ “It’s okay,” He hears Gon speak through muffled words and coughs. “You didn’t know, Killua,” he wipes away a bit of blood that’s sticking to his forehead like his stomach isn’t bleeding. “You were an assassin in this life, Killua, I guess you didn’t know, huh? I guess we both just got unlucky this time around.”  
Killua apologizes again repeatedly.  
 _I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry._  
“Hey,” Gon manages, his voice weaker than before—weaker than ever. “It’s okay. We’ll meet again.”  
(Killua agrees—they’ll meet again. They’ll meet again and this time Killua won’t be a monster. This time he’ll save Gon.)

* * *

He hates this world a little less than the last because at least this time it isn’t his hands covered in Gon’s blood—at least it wasn’t his hands that had done the killing.  
But that still doesn’t change the fact he had been too late again because Gon is there and he’s lifeless again and all he wants to do is _kill_ Hisoka.  
“I’m sorry, Killua,” Gon splutters out again. “I’ll meet you next time.”  
Killua clenches his fists tightly, eyes angry like the sea in the middle of a storm and nails sharper than he had ever had them before—sharper than all of the times he despised them being like this—sharper than all the times he despised killing people with them.  
“Oh.. You want to die too?” And he does because Gon is no longer in this life time with him.  
He exhales and lets himself calm down for a split second, deciding that no, it isn’t really worth it if Gon wasn’t here with him; and so, he dies at the hands of someone both him and Gon had grown to dislike—it feels disgusting to let Hisoka have pride in killing the both of them.

* * *

When Killua opens his eyes this time, it feels different and for once, it’s a good sort of different. He feels okay, he doesn’t feel disgusting, he doesn’t feel dead, he doesn’t feel anything besides being content. He rolls over onto his side on _their_ bed and comes face to face with Gon, who is looking at him through sleepy eyes as he raises his eyebrows.  
“You okay, Killua?” Gon sounds normal, Gon sounds fine—Gon sounds _content.  
_ Killua smiles properly for the first time in years.  
“Yeah,” He takes a deep breath before reaching out and holding Gon’s hand in his own. “This is the right life time, isn’t it?”  
Gon smiles back at him—the smile he’s all too used to, the smile that pretty much leaves him winded because it’s wider than any other smile he’d ever seen but it’s still genuine.  
“Mhm! I think so anyway!” And in that life time, Gon is Gon and he is Killua and they’re doing just fine.  
Killua feels happy, Killua feels beyond happy, Killua feels like he’s finally _home._  
(Gon is a lot of things to him, he thinks. Gon is home and Gon is his light. Gon is Gon and he is undeniably, indescribably, in love with Gon.)


End file.
